Paganism has a creepy guy problem….and we need to face and
address it. This is a call for looking
in the mirror and then having productive conversations. So, let me talk about what I see, how I
understand it, and also my hope.
First, I should be clear that I am talking about men in the
Pagan community who are attracted to women.
I don’t know if this situation is also present in men who are attracted
to men. Even if so, it is likely that
the dynamics are a bit different.
I believe that Paganism, writ large, is an audacious project…one in which
we are establishing the nascent foundations of alternative cultures that are
meant to challenge the dominant culture in which we are embedded. We are striving to re-enchant the world. We are trying to create ways of living that build
positive, caring and meaningful relationships with beings who are non-human (including
invisible/spirit beings) and all of the natural world. We are creating traditions and structures
that encourage the development of human potential at all levels of being and inculcating
an orientation that holds all aspects of human nature as having sacred value. We are developing alternatives to the
dominant culture that challenge not only gender roles, but the valuation of
those roles. We want to create alternative
cultures in which human beings can embrace and develop their full natures and
thrive.
Paganism provides a strong corrective to values in the
dominant culture that simultaneously cast sexuality as something morally
negative and use a “market” approach to sexuality that leads to objectification
of humans, especially (but not exclusively) women. Paganism has an extraordinary degree of
sexual openness. Within Pagan circles,
there is a high level of acceptance of LGBTQ members of the community. A broad range of sexual orientations and
practices are accepted and celebrated as part of human experience. If it is safe, sane, and between consenting
adults, Pagans are generally fine with almost anything. Female sexuality is fully accepted as a
valuable part of human experience and women are supported in claiming and
developing their sexuality in a positive way.
Given the misogyny of the dominant culture, this is revolutionary. In general, Pagans have a strong desire to be
sex-positive.
Here’s the bad. Sexual
permissiveness is not inherently sex-positive.
Sexual positivity, at its foundation, requires full consent of all
partners. Any form of coercion is
antithetical. While it is critically
important that Pagan women can be fully sexual beings, this can morph into an
expectation that they are always going to be sexual. There seems to be an expectation on the part
of some Pagan men that Pagan women are always open to being hit on. This is a huge problem. I cannot even count the number of Pagan women
who have complained to me about unwanted sexual attention to the point of
relentlessness. And it isn’t just at
parties. Sex is appropriately seen as
sacred, but this belief can morph into obnoxious to oppressive behavior when
every moment and every context is seen as an opportunity to hit on women.
Now, there are bad guys who I suspect are drawn to Paganism
because they can get away with things in their constant prospecting for women
in Pagan circles that they can’t get away with in the dominant culture. These are the ones who know full well that
their attention is unwanted and are doing it anyway. These people need to be shamed and
shunned. If they’ve been called out and
continue, they are not unaware. But
getting rid of these blights would not fix the problem. I think that a good portion of the instances
that I hear about are from men who would be horrified if they understood that
their behavior was creeping/freaking women out.
I think a significant root of the problem is that they are
not understanding the experiences of women or what we are bringing with us into
our interactions in the Pagan community.
First, as the #MeToo campaign made glaringly apparent, there are barely
any women in this culture who HAVE NOT been sexually assaulted and/or harassed. That is part of our lived experience. For pretty much any woman you are dealing
with, you can expect that she has memories of gendered/sexual violence that
make up part of her psyche. Secondly, no
matter how “nice” a guy you think you are, all Pagan women are embedded in the
dominant culture also and what we know with absolute certainty is that we are
all in far more danger from men we know than from strangers. Violence against women is an
epidemic….virtually all of us experience it and we all have mechanisms of
trying to protect ourselves.
So, our histories and our experiences teach virtually all
women several things. Women are in
danger from men. That is not an
exaggeration--that is real. I think most
Pagan men want to change that.
Good. We need your help. Secondly, much like the most dangerous time
for the victim of domestic violence is the moment an abuser realizes his/her
victim is going to leave, the most dangerous moment for any woman is when the
man who is hitting on her realizes she is not going to have sex with him. That is when, as a woman, your risk of being
assaulted sky-rockets. It means that for
most of us when you are hit on and not interested, it is a fraught exchange and
this anxiety is often invisible to men.
What does that mean? There
are a bunch of tactics that most women know and use to lessen that risk…most of
which have to do with indirect ways of communicating a lack of interest/consent. We try to keep things kind of superficial and
flirtatious and avoid having them advance to a real proposition, sometimes by
trying to get a third party present or involved. We try to disentangle without having to
directly say “no” to somebody because it is often fraught and frightening to
get to the point where you have to be that direct. (I know some women don't have anxiety being that direct, but many do). One of the most time-honored and effective
but nauseatingly oppressive methods is to assert that you “belong” to some
other man (my husband, my boyfriend, see my wedding ring) because it is a
proven fact that men will respect the property-rights of other men more than
they will respect the autonomy, sovereignty and basic human rights of a
woman. (Just typing this sentence and
knowing it is true almost made me vomit and cry simultaneously). It also means that we psychologically rely on
some of the divisions about when we expect to be in contexts where we may be
hit on (like at a party or a bar, or going out to dinner with someone), and
when we do not expect to be hit on (like at work, or in the grocery, or walking
down the street, or in a class on divination, or getting ready for a
ritual). When we are suddenly put in a
position where we are dealing with sexual advances in contexts for which we are
not prepared, that is often disturbing if not frightening.
So, suddenly, in a Pagan context, all of the indirect ways
of communicating fail. Even the time
honored “I have a boyfriend” doesn’t work because the acceptance of polyamory
frequently morphs into an expectation that the woman might be into it. The expectation is that a woman who is not
interested should just say “no,” but that doesn’t take into account all of our
experiences, not just in the past, but as soon as we walk out of Pagan
spaces. It doesn’t take into account how
much that really requires of many women and the anxiety-load it creates. And for people who think that it is only men
in the dominant culture who react badly and get scary when a woman doesn’t want
to have sex with them…dream on. I’ve
seen it. Additionally, there is not as clear a
division about when it is and is not appropriate to hit on somebody, which also
increases the anxiety load. Plus, what
many men, including many Pagan men, never seem to understand is the extreme
cognitive dissonance that many women live with in which it is flattering to be told
that you are attractive and also terrifying…in the same moment. This is especially important when you
consider how the dominant culture trains us to believe that our value is
dependent upon being attractive to the same population who will use that
attractiveness as an excuse to degrade and assault us. That’s just a part of the lived reality of
being female in this culture.
I believe that most Pagan men don’t want this for any women,
especially for their Pagan sisters. I
believe that they, far more than most men, want to see the patriarchy
overturned and an end to misogyny. I
think most Pagan men are aware that women are suffering and don’t want
that. I don’t have answers, but I hope
that we can have some real conversations that are not about blame, but are
about finding ways we can turn Pagan culture into a truly sex-positive culture
and maybe provide models beyond ourselves.
Here are some ideas for future thinking.
1. We need
to kill out language and thought patterns of rejection. The language of rejection suggests that if
someone does not want to have sex with you, it is because you are less valuable
and in some way it hurts you. Instead,
the default expectation should be that people do not want to have sex with you
and if they do, it is because they want to share something with you. It is
easy to say this, but it is harder, in the moment, to stand strong in your
center. As Pagans, I think we need to
build and strengthen the understanding that the worth of each human being is
not conditional and that we are strong in our center and self-worth. [As a related project, I think we need to be
developing models of intimate relationships that are not erotic because if you
are ONLY intimate with people you are sexually involved with, then there is no
way to address the issue of feeling like a lack of sexual interest is a rejection of
your worth].
2. We need to set up some contextual understandings
about when it is and is not appropriate to be hitting on each other. Much like the Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson
exercise for the workplace (imagine you are talking to Dwayne “the Rock”
Johnson and treat your female colleague like you would him) we need to set up
some shared understanding about what behavior is appropriate when.
3. We need to find ways to make it safe for people
to express desire and facilitate hooking up, but in ways that don’t require women
to use behaviors that are potentially dangerous. Again, putting women in situations where they
have to say “no” is potentially threatening. It also
doesn’t take into account a common adrenaline response, which is to
freeze. Not saying “no” is never the
same thing as saying “yes.” I think we
need to have some conversations about how we can get assent in ways that are
not threatening…especially in situations in which people are likely to remain
in community with each other.
EDITED TO ADD: Based on comments in the Facebook feeds, I want to make a couple of clarifying points. First, I am not saying that women are not also sometimes creepy...but I am not assuming that the dynamic would be the same, so that is not my topic. Out of scope is not the same the same thing as denying it occurs. Point two is similar. Yes, the world has a creepy guy problem. Many other contexts have a creepy people problem. I am Pagan. I am interested in having the conversations about how to make the interactions between men and women in Paganism healthier for all parties. Point three...if your comment in any way resembles, "Not me! I am shy and afraid of being humiliated! How DARE you talk about this! Violence against women is overblown! What do you mean by creepy any way, feminist." Your answer...creepy. And I'm not sure you aren't a Russian bot anyway.
In the interest of trying to move things along in a more productive vein. If any women are willing to put some ideas in the comments. What would a GOOD exchange look like if a guy was hitting on you and you were not interested? What would feel safe that does not require the guy to be a full-blown telepath?
EDITED TO ADD: Based on comments in the Facebook feeds, I want to make a couple of clarifying points. First, I am not saying that women are not also sometimes creepy...but I am not assuming that the dynamic would be the same, so that is not my topic. Out of scope is not the same the same thing as denying it occurs. Point two is similar. Yes, the world has a creepy guy problem. Many other contexts have a creepy people problem. I am Pagan. I am interested in having the conversations about how to make the interactions between men and women in Paganism healthier for all parties. Point three...if your comment in any way resembles, "Not me! I am shy and afraid of being humiliated! How DARE you talk about this! Violence against women is overblown! What do you mean by creepy any way, feminist." Your answer...creepy. And I'm not sure you aren't a Russian bot anyway.
In the interest of trying to move things along in a more productive vein. If any women are willing to put some ideas in the comments. What would a GOOD exchange look like if a guy was hitting on you and you were not interested? What would feel safe that does not require the guy to be a full-blown telepath?